The Best Wine Puns That Only Get Better With Age

Puns are funny.

No matter how much you groan after hearing one, they still make me chuckle, and you’re a monster if they don’t do the same for you. Wine puns are even funnier, at least in my opinion, as they combine my love of puns with my love of wine.

Funny wine puns are basically the perfect combination.

Add a cheese board in there, and minds will be blown.

These “bad” wine puns are some of my favorites. Bring them to your next tasting, or don’t. Laugh about them to yourself. Put them on a T-shirt. I hope they bring a smile to your face.

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You had me at merlot.

My favorite lines from Jerry Maguire typically relate to all things Jonathan Lipnicki, as I’ve followed him from child actor to smoke show. This play on the movie’s iconic line, “You had me at hello,” makes red wine all kinds of romantic, though.

Fun fact: A superior Tom, Tom Hanks, was originally slated to play the title role. Delays in the script made him too old to play Jerry by the time shooting began.

Also, I imagine Tom Cruise pulling this out of his library of merlot puns while swirling a glass of a bold merlot, plotting who his next wife will be for his move to the planet Xemu.

Cabernet? More like, caber-yay!

This one-liner is a good response to the following: “Do you like Cabernet?”

When it comes to red wine, there is nary a grape I won’t agree to drink. You could say I’m a wine-yes, rather than a wino, when it comes to red wines.

I snuck another one in there for you, and you barely noticed, I bet.

In any case, red wine puns are the most delicious.

It’s my party, and I’ll wine if I want to.

You’re at your bachelorette party, YOUR party, and your girlfriends are being super dramatic about how sloppy you’re getting. You would wine too if it happened to you…but there’s no reason to be all sour grapes on a vine about it for long.

Hakuna Moscato.

It means more wine for the rest of your days. It’s a problem-free philosophy until the next morning.

What? I like funny wine jokes, some bordering on dad jokes.

At that point, things might be looking a little bit less positive. Fear not. It’s the circle of wine drinking, and this too shall pass.

Sip me baby, one more time./Hit me baby, one more wine.

Do you smell that? It’s the cheese coming off these wine puns.

These are really dumb. I get it.

I love Britney Spears, though, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Note: I’ve been to more Britney Spears concerts than I can count, most recently to check out her Las Vegas residency. I’m serious when I say don’t go there with your judgement.

I included both variations here, although I’m partial to the “one more wine.”

Yes way, rosé.

So, we named our dog Kimmy Kibbler. Obviously, I feel a deep connection to Full House, particularly her namesake, Kimmy Gibbler.

This one may not be among the most clever wine puns, but it’s good for when your friends are telling you it’s time to go home. Perhaps it’s also a response to what your glass of rosé is saying to you.

In that second scenario, listen to your friends and go home already.

When the wine is talking to you, e.g. “C’mon, Susan, call Tommy. He was just kidding when he said he needed some space,” it’s time to call it a night.

Let’s get fizzical. Pass the Prosecco.

This gem amongst the Prosecco puns sounds like something I’d say after having too many bubbles or whatever glass of bubbly delights I’m enjoying at any given moment.

If you’re way too young to understand what this is even in reference to, you must educate yourself with this music video.

Everything happens for a riesling.

This one’s a stretch, but sometimes there’s just no way to riesling with people. Whoops. I just can’t stop once I’ve started. It’s a real problem.

Time to wine down.

Drinking wine can be quite relaxing. Rather than wind down after a long day at wherever it is you had a long day at, wine down with a glass or three of some of your best cheap grocery store wine.

This silly wine pun lends itself to all kinds of wine-related gifts for the deserving friends among you who’d appreciate such a thing.

You bet shiraz I do!

This one’s the perfect response to, “Would you like more wine?” Bonus points for everyone if you’re all drinking shiraz. I’d probably plan it that way just so that I can use this one.

It’s wine o’clock.

This one is an oldie but a goodie, appropriate for all terrific wine times. There are no actual time constraints on wine o’clock, as it’s always wine o’clock somewhere.

I also like tapping my imaginary wristwatch when throwing this one out there.

I’ll be there in a Prosecco!

You’re in a rush, and you’re late for terrific wine times with the ladies. Toss one of these onto the group text, and all will be forgiven. The alternative is that the first round will be on you because you sent everyone a wine pun.

Either way, everyone will love you just a little bit more for it.

Que syrah, syrah!

This one’s perfect for when you’re eating a plate of spaghetti at some moderately-priced Italian eatery and pairing that with the house syrah.

Sure, you’ve eaten a week’s allotment of carbs in one evening, but whatever will be, will be. So raise that glass and order that cannoli. Wine not?

I make pour decisions.

This one can be used more generally in any heavy drinking situation, but it displays some excellent pun use.

It’s way better than that bar I lived near that missed an opportunity for a similar pun. Why are you the Poor House when you could be the POUR House?!? I was disappointed by that missed opportunity every time I walked the dog.

READ MORE: Learn about that neighborhood with this guide to San Diego’s North Park.

Will you accept this rosé?

This is a good one for all of your Bachelor/Bachelorette viewing parties, especially as you pour your pal another glass of the pink stuff. If they know what’s good for them, they will accept said rosé.

Oh, you’re too cool for reality TV?

I’ll have you know it serves a purpose: to make me feel better about my own life choices. As for you, your whining is not welcome here. Only wining is welcome here.

You can’t sip with us.

This one works well after you and your girls have thrown back a few and Jenny has brought up her ex-boyfriend for the umpteenth time.

You can play off your annoyance by saying, “What? It’s just Mean Girls, Jenny,” when she inevitably gets offended by your ridiculous comment.

Fun fact: Amanda Seyfried is iconic as Karen. Can you imagine her as Regina, though? That was the role she was initially up for.

Please understand that if you get a bit too saucy when drinking wine with the ladies, the truth can come out in a variety of ways. As we all know, the truth hurts.

Do you know the way to cabernet?

This is a play on the Dionne Warwick classic, Do You Know the Way to San Jose. The song’s basically about disparaging traffic in Los Angeles for the wide open spaces (I guess?) of San Jose.

Drawing a blanc? It’s OK, youngin’. In any case, I’ll drink wine to that.

Sip happens.

This one’s a tart one.

It’s more polite than saying shit happens and a good retort to someone saying that maybe this should be your last glass. Throw it out there right before you take another aggressive sip, staring down that naysayer.

I like the idea of giving people an idea of exactly who you are by putting this one front and center on a baseball cap. Can you imagine this at ballgames?

Another glass? Wine not!?

This is a favorite on various embroidered items at gift shops.

It’s most hilarious when you shouldn’t have another, especially if you say it loudly and present your Crate & Barrel stemware to your pouring friend as if it’s a royal chalice.

They’ll have a laugh, you’ll have a laugh, and then you’ll all have hangovers in the morning. In the moment, though, it’s hilarious.

Note: I’m not telling anyone here to binge drink. Drink responsibly and all that jazz. It’s all in good fun.

Rise and wine.

I envision this one working really on a bachelorette party weekend, especially proclaimed at the top of your lungs the morning after a bender.

“RISE AND WINE!” you yell at all those groggy ladies. It works, right?

If you’re the planner behind that ladies’ trip, a set of matching tees with this slogan sound pretty fine to me.

Love the wine you’re with.

This one’s just so pure because if you can’t be with the one that you love, love the wine you’re with. It’ll get better soon because you’ll be wine-drunk.

READ MORE: Check out these wine descriptions to help you sound super knowledgeable at your next tasting.

I’m on cloud wine.

You know the feeling. You meet someone that makes your heart all aflutter. You’ve got a big-time crush.

Then they ghost you, steal your identity, and max out your credit cards on gasoline and Home Depot goods. That’s where your true soul mate, wine, comes in. So it goes on cloud wine.

You will never be hoodwinked again.

Where there’s a wine, there’s a way.

The wineries are closing up shop, but you want to keep this party going with a nightcap somewhere. Janet, however, wants to get some rest so she’s refreshed for the next morning.

Pull out this gem, and you’ll at least get your fun friend to stay out with you, if not Janet, for another round. Janet’s always been the responsible one.

It isn’t good to keep things bottled up.

I can see this wine pun used in a series of Instagram photo wine captions in a variety of ways.

Try not to use this one when you’re dealing with a friend’s real problems unless they’d appreciate a light chuckle in their moment of hardship. In that case, pull this beauty out as you’re popping the cork.

I’m dreaming of a wine Christmas.

You know you’ve seen this one around the holidays. It’s the best of the Christmas wine puns, so I had to include it. Also, when spending time with family, wine makes everything better on return trips home.

I’m mostly joking. I love my family.

More Really Grape Wine Puns

Are you not entertained yet? I feel a little sad for you. Here are a few more of my favorite wine puns, including a few dirty wine puns for the naughty ones out there:

• I’m feeling really grape!
• Back that glass up.
• All for wine and wine for all.
• I woke up feeling wine.
• Great minds drink alike./Grape minds think alike.
• It’s going to be a wine-derful day.
• We’re partners in wine.
• Chardonnay or should I go now?
• You’re wine in a million.
• I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection.
• Say you’ll be wine.
• We’re ferment to be together.
• Sip, sip, hooray!
• All for wine, and wine for all.
• Riesling and shine!
• Why have less scato when you can have mo’scato?
• I have my rieslings.
• It’s partly cloudy with a chance of wine.
• You’re the wine that I want.
• I am woman. Hear me pour.
• How merlot can you go?
• I decant even.
• Show me your terroir.
• Oh, sweet child of wine.
• I’m feeling vine and dandy.
• Sip back and relax.
• Read between the wines.

Don’t hate me.

Sometimes things get silly around here, and this was one of those times.

Some of this content may have come to be after a few glasses of bubbly, but that’s the level of intense research I do for you all. I’m sure they’ll all age like a fine wine. OK, I’m done now. See you at the next happy hour!

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• A Guide to Sonoma on a Budget
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• Deciding Between Napa/Sonoma Is Tough!

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